So here I am, *finally* starting a blog after talking about it for long enough. Now I’m here I don’t quite know where to start. There’s so much to say, it’s overwhelming. I’m used to keeping it all in, to pretending I’m fine. I read other people’s blogs & they always seem to put it so much better than I ever could, sometimes it feels like they’ve read my mind. For long enough I’ve told myself I have nothing to say that’s of any importance. But then I remind myself that everyone’s experiences are unique, that everyone’s voice is unique. The truth is we all have something to offer, something to share, something that might even make a difference to someone else, perhaps giving them comfort or helping them to see they’re not alone. I suppose that’s probably my main aim here, other than to finally get some of this stuff out in the open, to take my own power back. And I’ve been silent for so long. My OH is always telling me that writing about my story will not just help me but also those who have also suffered abuse. I’m not sure at this point but I suppose I won’t know till I try.
I’d love to say this will be a positive, inspiring story but it’s just not that simple. I survived horrific abuse against all the odds but it ripped my life, my self, apart. I am still dealing with the fallout & right now I suspect that perhaps that will always be the case. I honestly don’t know if I will ever *get over it*. Maybe the best I can hope for is to make some sort of peace with their past, where it doesn’t intrude on my life every day. I sure don’t have the answers. When I’m in a good place I totally believe that it’s possible to heal, although I have no idea how. I desperately wish I could say in all honesty that healing is always possible but I’ve been dealing with this for 14 years & I don’t feel like I’ve moved on anywhere near as much as I had expected. I thought my life would be back together by now, that I’d be “normal” with a regular life, a career, friends, a social life.. all that good stuff. Instead I spend most of my time housebound (also due to physical health problems to be fair), watching the world & my life pass me by. If I sound bitter it’s because I am a bit. I feel like for every two steps forward I get dragged back ten steps!
But here I am, turning up. People say that’s what counts. I’m determined to fight on, even when it’s incredibly hard & painful. I am *not* going to let my past or my health problems be all that defines me. I will not let the people who’ve hurt me, win. No way, no how. Somehow I will find a way out of this quicksand that I’m in.